A Not-so-typical day in Narnia
by Astrid C. Giese-Zimmer
Summary: Writers block Narnian insanity.


Weird-ass Fanfiction Co.  
Presents  
  
A Not-So-Typical Day in Narnia  
by   
Astrid C. Giese-Zimmer  
  
Note: THere is nothing wrong with you screen. This is a silly fanfic based on the Narnia stories by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes it gets too silly :-).I am not trying to break any copyrights. In fact, I would like to thank the late C.S. Lewis for making sch wonderful stories. And no, I am not on drugs :-).  
  
*************CLONED SNOWFLAKES*******  
Puddleglum stepped out of his wigwam slowly. There was no one there. ÒTHank goodnessÓ he said. ÒI thought IÕd never be able to go outside without all those women flocking my wigwam. Man, I hate being such a sexy Marshwiggle!Ó He picked up The Narnian Times and red the headline: ASLAN TO RETURN AFTER LONG VACATION  
ÒAbout bloody time.Ó said Puddleglum.  
  
**************HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME*****  
Mr. Tumnus was leaning against the lamppost. King Rilian approched him.  
ÒHey, Mr. Tumnus.Ó  
ÒHeLlO, yOuR mAjEsTy...Ó said Mr. Tumnus in an uneven voice.  
ÒOn the drugs again, huh?Ó  
ÒYeS. TeLl mE, kInG rILiAn, wHy Is iT tHaT eVeRy HoT wOmAn iN nArNia Is An EvIL qUeEn?Ó  
ÒNot true! Not true! Those centurettes down by the pond... Rrrrowl!Ó  
ÒI kNoW. BuT tHeY wOnÕT gO nEaR mE.Ó  
ÒNo kidding...Ó mumbled King Rilian.  
  
********LINE CONSTALATION********  
All the creatures in Narnia were gathered on the hill, awaiting the return of Aslan.  
ÒSettle down!Ó said Glimfeather. ÒWe are all waiting for you-know-who! T-woo! T-woo!Ó  
ÒShut the hell up!Ó shouted Jack the Rabbit (a rathar disgruntled chap. He was a talking rabbit who formed the first ever punk band in Narnia). ÒIÕm goddamn sick of you going ÒT-woo! T-wooÓ all hours! When the hell does my band get to play?Ó  
ÒSoon! So just sit down and be quiet!Ó shouted Glimfeather. ÒNow, IÕm sure that-Ó  
  
Glimfeather was cut off by the roar of engines. ÒHeÕs back!!!!Ó   
AslanÕs flying red covertable came down and landed right next to Glimfeather. He jumped out and flipped over the hood. ÒTOU!Ó  
ÒLadies, gentlemen, everything else, the king has returned!!!!Ó said Glimfeather as the crowd rejoiced.  
  
Aslan strutted to the mike. ÒHello Cleveland!Ó he shouted. There was a large silence. ÒNever mind. Anyway, ItÕs great to be back in the land of NarniaÓ.  
The crowd cheered.  
ÒYes, you know, back in the other world, I met a human child. One who I met a long time ago. In fact, now she has blossomed into a young lady. Now, I would usually say that she has become to old for Narnia, but I thought to let her come back. What do you think?Ó  
The crowd cheered again.  
ÒYes, Narnians, I give you, Jill Pole!!!Ó  
  
Jill stepped out of the backseat. She was now at the lovely human age of 16, and she had blossomed indeed. She nervoisely stepped up to the mike. ÒH-hello.Ó she said. ÒItÕs great to be back in the land of Narnia.Ó  
THe crowd cheered again.  
  
ÒOh my...Ó said Puddleglum.  
  
************INSERT JOKE HERE*****  
ÒHey, King Ritilan!Ó said Aslan.  
ÒTHatÕs Rilian!Ó said Rilian.  
ÒYeah, whatever.Ó  
ÒMan, youÕve changed. You used to be a wise old sage hidden in mystery. Now youÕre just a talking lion who acts like a teenage human.Ó  
ÒHey, IÕve loosed up! YouÕre looking at a whole new Aslan, baby! Which means itÕs going to be a whole new Narnia!Ó  
ÒHoooo.... boyÓ  
  
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@NEW SCENE CHANGE@@@  
ÒWhat the $*#() happened? We were supposed to play at AslanÕs comeback!! But that Jill chick sole the show!!!Ó said Jack the Rabbit, drinking another shot.  
ÒYeah, why the $(&)# should $^)$&# Aslan be able to boss us around!Ó said one of his bandmates, Ripper.  
ÒBut, man! IÕd like to do her like a rabbit!!Ó said Jack.  
ÒToO lAtE!Ó said Mr. Tumnus, drunk. ÒShE aLrEaDy GoNe ouT wIth PuDdleGlum.Ó  
ÒWhat? That gloomy, boring Marchwiggle?Ó  
ÒThAtÕS rIgHt. ItÕS wEird. I fIguRed sHe wOuLd haVe goNe fOr KiNg RiLiAn...Ó  
Ò#&)#^)@))@#Ó cussed Jack.  
  
########NEW SCENE CHANGE#####  
ÒJill, this has been a great evening. But It will probably end rottenly, I shouldnÕt wonder.Ó said Puddleglum.  
ÒOh, Puddlegum. You haven;t changed a bit.Ó said Jill. ÒYouÕre still such a humbug.Ó  
ÒI guess IÕm happier when IÕm depressed.ÓJill shrugged. ÒGuess that makes sense.Ó  
Jill suprised Puddleglum with a kiss, this time fully on the lips. As first Puddleglum was suprised but he soon got into it.  
  
$$$$$$$$NEW SCENE CHANGE$$$$  
ÒHoly $#!&#!Ó shouted Jack. ÒMr. Tumnus is dead!Ó  
ÒI knew this was going to happen..Ó said Ripper.  
ÒMan, shut the &%*(# up! We need to call someone!ÓJust then, Aslan stepped into the door with King Rilian.  
ÒAslanÕs here! Are you ready to par-Ó he looked down and saw the dead Mr. Tumnus. ÒOh dear.Ó  
  
ÒI hpe we can play at the funeral.Ó said Jack.  
  
%%%%%%%NEW SCENE CHANGE%%%  
ÒOh! Puddleglum! You make it so good!Ó shouted Jill.  
ÒOh, really. I didnÕt think my eel soup would be that good.Ó  
  
^^^^^^NEW SCENE CHANGE^^^^  
The next day, there was a huge funeral in Narnia for Mr. Tumnus. Everyone showed up.  
ÒTrue, it is a sad day. True. T-wooo.Ó said Glimfeather. ÒBut we must remember that for every Narnian that dies, anew ones are born. And I think....Ó  
ÒShut the ()(&)^ up you stupid owl!!!Ó said Jack.  
ÒWe wanna play!Ó said Ripper.  
ÒAlright! With out further ado, t-woo. Jack and Ripper!Ó  
  
Jack and Ripper sang their hit song ÒDepression is FunÓ (PuddleglumÕs favorite).  
The crowed cheered.  
  
Then, Aslan stepped up to the mike. ÒFellow Narnians, we are gathered here to mourn the loss of Mr. Eric T. Tumnus. He was a cool cat, er, goat-man, who knew the score. He was one freaky-phat swinger who was a dear friend to all of us. He was a flim-flam, phat-dope, Electric Kool-Aid...Ó  
  
&&&&&&&LAST SCENE CHANGE (I SWEAR)&&&&Puddleglum woke up with shock on his face. ÒIt was all a dream. Thank goodness.Ó he said.  
He looked around. Same old wigwam. Same old dreary silence. No women flocking the door. No newspaper. He assumed (and hoped) that Aslan was still a wise and mysterious sage lion. He looked by his side and saw King Rilian asleep.  
  
Puddleglum smiled. Everything was the same as it was last night.  
  
  
THE END  
  
A weird-ass Fanfiction production 


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